Part 4: Religion

I don't really even know where to begin here. I can merely say that religion has been the sole constant in my life. It has been my best friend and my worst enemy, my saving grace and my painful downfall.

A while back I mentioned that I tended to take things to heart with so much more depth than most people do. Criticism was a deep blow for me, and religion was no exception. Where other people sat in church and counted the hats on the ladies behind them, or listened quietly while the priest spoke, I sat in church and listened for something that talked to me. On a good day, I was able to find comfort and strength in the words being spoken. On a bad day, I left knowing I was doomed.

Remember that my greatest fear was of "ceasing to exist". Heaven and Hell played right into this. For I had to decide if I was to die would my life take me to Heaven to be with God, or to Hell. Of the later, I was terrified. I tried so hard to be good, not only to stay alive now, but to also go to heaven.

I tried not to judge. I tried not to hate. I tried to love unconditionally. I tried. But the fact is, no one is capable of all of those things and I wound up using them as more fuel for my fire. My mind used the words from the Bible against me. It heard that God was peace, but that I didn't deserve peace because I wasn't "good." It heard that anger was wrong, and fear was misplaced. It heard "deny your body for the flesh is weak." and it picked up the ball and ran!

Let me also say that without my religion I wouldn't be alive today. For it was God and my love for him, my wanting to be with him that kept me from going over the edge during my teenage times. It was him that I turned to when I was afraid I couldn't be there for a friend. And it was him that I turned to when I had been torn up by a "friend."

How uncanny that even my religion was a dual edged sword. Something that I wanted desperately but was afraid I was not good enough to hold onto. Someone who gave me a love beyond belief and yet someone whose love I always felt I had to earn. Once again, it never occurred to me that I could be loved simply because I was "his" child.

It also never occurred to me to talk about this with anyone. I was the caretaker, the strong one, the one who felt she needed to be perfect. I wasn't supposed to need anyone. I was the one who had it all together.

Or so it seemed........

This Page Last Updated On 02/22/98